(Fine. But I warned you.)

If you missed the “Trading Spouses” episode with Marguerite Perrin, then your life is incomplete and you’re probably going to catch the AIDS. Or at least get a splinter or that annoying chapped moustache you get in the winter when you lick your lips because you forgot your chapstick.

I really think it was an act of God that I saw this show…the only time I’ve ever watched it, and it was the most infamous spouse trade in the history of the show. Like tuning into American Idol for the first time, and its the episode with William Chung. Sort of. It was just kind of funny the way it played out, considering how much of a hypocritical fundementalist this woman is…which makes me saying it was an act of God even more ironic…interesting…THE POINT I’M TRYING TO MAKE IS that this woman is everything that I hate about Christians.

How can you say that, you ask, for aren’t you Catholic?

And indeed, I am*. HOWEVER, she represents a specific type of “Christians”…the type that went to Bell Shoals Baptist Church and made my 8 year old little sister walk in front of everyone and say she was “saved” when I, at age 21, still don’t have a clue what that means. The same “Christians” who bomb abortion clinics or who stand outside the MARTA station screaming stories of hellfire and brimstone at 8 o’clock in the morning. The same “Christians” who protest gay marriage and think prayer in schools and posting the 10 Commandments in courthouses is a good idea. The same “Christians” who host shows on the 700 Club and who are televangelists and extort money from little old ladies. THOSE Christians are the ones I hate. I hate them more than I hate people who talk shit about Michael Jackson.

Yes. I went there.

And this woman, this spokesperson for everything that is evil about Christianity in America, HAS HER OWN GOD FORSAKEN RAP ALBUM. And I thought Kevin Federline’s “Back then / They called me K-Fed / But you can call me Daddy instead” was deplorable. All I need is for Kimberly Stewart or some bitch off of Laguna Beach to win an Oscar or a Grammy and I’m thoroughly convinced that aliens are taking over the planet and maybe the scientologists were right after all. Or Men in Black. Whichever comes first.

*If you are Protestant or any other denomination of Christianity that is not Catholicism, would you please explain to me how it is that you insist that your interpretation of the Bible is the “right” interpretation, WHEN THE ENTIRE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN BY CATHOLICS?!?! You can’t escape it. Catholicism is ingrained in the scripture. You might not believe in transubstantiation because Paul didn’t say enough for you, but HE WAS EFFING CATHOLIC TOO. So the way I see it, you let Catholics do all the work, and took what you wanted, rearranged it a bit, and crapped out something that really isn’t all that different from the source. Which is fine, I don’t care. I barely even care about Catholicism. Just don’t be such assholes to THE VERY PEOPLE WHO MADE YOUR RELIGION POSSIBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Because if it weren’t for Catholics, Jesus would be some super badass magician, kind of like Rasputin, and we’d all still be Vikings and pillaging and stuff. At least gives us our due props. The other only people who I can remotely tip my hat to are the Mormans, because they pretty much started from scratch and wrote whatever the hell they wanted. No re-writing, no new interpretations, just them and Joseph Smith and whatever I learned about Mormans after watching that one South Park episode. So if you can clear up my confusion, please comment. Otherwise, your faith just doesn’t really count.