Transcript from multiple phone conversations I had on February 27th, 2006:
“Ohmigod you won’t believe what just happened. So I was sitting in the hallway at school waiting for my class to start in like, 5 minutes, and my phone rings and its this guy Pete from work. I figured he was just calling to see if I could pick up a shift for him, and normally I just ignore these calls because I couldn’t/didn’t want to work that night, but for some reason I answered. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was sitting in class, and he was like, “Aw, man. That’s too bad.” And I was like, “Why?” because I nosey and wanted to hear a sob story about why he wanted me to work for him. Kind of bitchy, yes, but besides the point. Anyway, he was like, “I got two tickets to go see JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE tonight and I have no one to go with.” And I was like, “Ohmigod are you serious? No way! I’m leaving right now.” And I just got up and left. And it was freaking amazing. Justin is so goddamn hot, and fucking T.I. came out on stage, and I nearly lost my mind and fell down the bleachers because I was jumping up and down all over the place. And Timbaland was there too, and there was, like, a 20 minute intermission in the middle to change the sets, and instead of turning the lights on and everyone getting out of their seats and what not, Timbaland just deejayed the whole time. It was freakin’ amazing. I FUCKING SAW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!! FOR FREE!!!! Totally unexpected.”
That’s exactly how it went with every single person. Except for my friend Melanie, who totally guessed it before I even got to the sitting in the hallway part, and I got pissed at her. She always ruins my surprises.
She’s a FEMBOT!!! An android!! There is NO WAY a real human being would be as completely nutzo as her. It just doesn’t stop! Right when I sigh and think, “Whew! At least it can’t get any worse,” SHE STRIKES AGAIN!!!
I suppose the emotions I’m feeling right now are the same emotions people felt about Michael Jackson in the late 80s.
…
Dear God! Someone stop her before she ruins everything. FOREVER!!!!!
Iconoclasts is a series on The Sundance Channel. It pairs together celebrities like Quentin Tarantino and Fiona Apple, Paul Simon and Lorn Michaels, and Eddie Vedder and Lair Hamilton and films their conversations. I saw it for the first time last night, and it was the episode with Dr. Maya Angelou and Dave Chappelle.
Stop. Think about that one for a minute. Let it sink in.
Is it even possible to get more completely righteous than that?!
In this episode, comedian Dave Chappelle and poet Maya Angelou spend a day together at her home in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where they discuss how poetry and comedy can bridge both genders and generations.
I honestly can’t remember another show or film that moved me as much as this one. Maybe Schindler’s List, but that’s a different kind of moving. Think Extreme Makeover: Home Edition multiplied by a PBS special on the Civil Rights Movement plus Oprah divided by Comedy Central. It airs again tonight at 6pm.
Dr. Angelou is my hero. And I say that in the most sincere, genuine way possible.
Man, this guy has to be the biggest tool bastard assmonkey in the entire history of human existence. His logic follows that “If kids of gay parents were equally healthy, why wouldn’t eating cupcakes cause pregnancy?” The answer is loud and brilliantly resounding HELL NO ARE YOU A FUCKING INBRED?! I could fall back on the undeniable fact that MILLIONS of children are raised in single-parent homes, which are not “optimum,” but no one is trying to ban divorce…but that would be too easy. Instead, I’m going to convince myself the Bill O’Reilly is a rhetorical genius, a 21st century Socrates, and screams the opposite of everything he believes in at the top of his lungs just to piss people off and make them think.
This shroud of denial looks good with my shoes, too.
Read this article. Do the math. She’s a fucking selfish dirty slut and I hope she gets raped by a homeless man with AIDS, SARS, and a UTI.
If I knew voodoo, I’d do something that would make her anus suck in her head so she’d literally shit her brains out.
